If Our 16 Favorite Social Media Platforms Were The People You Knew In School
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Do you sometimes feel like the Internet is your best friend? Social networking sites and mobile apps play such a large role in our day-to-day interactions that they start to seem like real characters in our everyday lives. If you think long and hard enough about it, each network, platform, or mobile app has their own identity. And, because most of this stuff is relatively new, it’s as if they are their own personas, students rather, walking alongside you in your grade school halls.
From the too-cool-for-school Instagram, to the angsty Tumblr, it’s surprisingly accurate to personify some of the world’s most popular online entities that fuel our real-world social lives, relationships, and activities. If the leading social platforms were imagined as kids you went to school with, this is how things would look…
You’re the most popular girl in school right now, living your most #authentic life and splitting your time between brunches and sunsets. Just be careful – because at some point, the youthful beauty of your #vsco filtered visage may fade and leave you passing your time in a washed-up book club with Facebook and Formspring.
You used to rule the kingdom, but then you slowly watched your youth fade and your notifications become meaningless. We know you have nightmares about Farmville and old photo albums of your baby pictures, but it’s okay – our grandma suddenly loves you.
You’re the class clown, and everyone loves you despite the fact that you keep getting in trouble for sexting. Whatever. You’re versatile and fun – you made double chins cool and we’re only a little bit ashamed to admit that we often rely on you to figure out which neighborhood we’re in. Not to mention that, with the new selfie filters, you gave us an excellent opportunity to scare the shit out of our parents.
You’re the emo kid in the corner who totally vouched for Fall Out Boy in 2006, but now won’t admit to it. It’s kind of a shame – you’re actually really funny and clever when you want to be, but no one will ever take someone who writes that much fan-fiction seriously. Sorry – go angst out and listen to 21 Pilots about it.
You’re the honors student who willingly wore a blazer to give presentations, and talked about Model UN/Econ Club/Young Investors for every single second of high school. God, we hated you so much. But we all grudgingly know that we’ll need you if we ever want to be gainfully employed, so, yeah – “we’re requesting to join your network”.
You’re the European cool kid who transferred and quickly dethroned the former queen bee. The only thing we liked better about iTunes is that they never ratted us out on the internet when we accidentally listened to three hours of Spice Girls without clicking “private session”. Be cool, Spotify, be cool.
We were sort of friends that one semester when we were abroad together and missed our actual friends, like Texting and iMessage. But, then we heard that Mark Zuckerberg thought you were worth like a billion dollars, and then we were confused because we didn’t even like you that much.
8. Apple Music
You crashed the scene with all of this trendy stuff that your rich dad bought you – but you’re just not pulling it off. So you spend all of your time bitterly listening to the Taylor Swift studio album collection and reminding yourself that, well, at least you’re not Tidal.
You’re the super-bro who always passed gross notes in class to the girls. We openly reviled you to all of our friends, but just can’t stop talking to you. What can we say – we need the ego boost, so we keep swiping right.
You’re the designated driver who always seemed available and ready to hang out and pick us up, but nothing pisses us off more than when you text that you’re “five minutes away” for about an hour, and then just never show.
You’re basically a bad ex that we can’t stop texting when we’re desperate. We delete your number, we tell ourselves we don’t need you – and then suddenly we really want food delivery without having to miss any of the Law and Order marathon we’ve been watching for the past six hours, and we booty call you for a fifth weekend in a row. Who needs money – or dignity – anyway?
12. Yik Yak
You’re so college that it hurts. You seem pretty harmless when we imagine you staring lovingly at your dorm-room’s “Animal House” poster and dreaming up pledge activities for your fraternity. But then we realize that an entire generation may be getting their sex education from you, and that’s pretty horrifying, bro. Kik?
You’re loud, obnoxious and very popular with both middle-schoolers and Kardashians – which, in 2015, is somehow a recipe for total success. Rock on, Vine, and enjoy watching adults and corporate business continue to fail in understanding you.
Who knew that you would become the hair and makeup artist to the entire world? We always knew you were a theater kid, YouTube, but very few can parlay that into actual popularity (right – Vimeo?). Keep teaching us how to contour our faces into oblivion, and we’ll forget about the fact that you gave us Justin Bieber.
15. Google Maps
We’re lost without you. We each have our own story of a nightmare suburban driving experience during which we realized that, yeah, it’s true love. Never change (unless you need to update route maps, in that case, definitely change).
16. Apple Maps
Don’t call this number again.
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